Sunday, March 10, 2013

Student Update

A little update on how our school is going!

Things have gotten so good lately!
It was a pretty slow start with this school, every group is different.
In the beginning, it was a little difficult to get the students interacting in lecture's and kinda stepping out, but these past three weeks have been amazing! 
Three weeks ago we were blessed beyond blessed to have Kenny Peavy come speak! 
His topic: Kingdom
 He made it so simple and beautiful, everyone's hearts were changed!
He is a powerful worship leader in California and full of wisdom.
He literally sat on a stool in front of the classroom, we circled the chairs in the room and just listened. Sometime's speakers come in with agendas, and we take heaps of notes and get fed a lot in our minds, but Kenny's approach is simple.
He doesn't come with anything but a guitar and Bible.
No notes, no white board needed, just truth.
It's amazing the effect some people have over a room.
Our students were drawn to him, each and every one of them.
A lot of our students were needing break thru. They were needing "Jesus" to not just be a 'good idea', 'something they believed in to make their parents happy' or 'the person who is happy with them when they do good and mad at them when they do bad' - but to truly have a personal relationship with Christ and recognize Him as the King and Ruler that He is!
Kenny is very prophetic, you look into His eyes and you can see his mind working, and then when he speaks it's as if he's known you your entire life.
The Holy Spirit works thru him in such an exciting way.
One day I was sitting outside of our classroom during lunch and he just sat next to me and said, "Tayler, how are you doing?" and at that moment every single person stood up, walked inside the classroom and knew what he was really asking.
We proceeded to talk, and I kid you not, he knew me better than I did. Before I knew it I was talking, tears streaming, and such truth had just been blasted in my face. Good truth.
I had prayed to God and asked Him to have Kenny say something to me that only God would know and no one else, and sure enough, He did.
Our God is a faithful God, He always makes me laugh :)

Needless to say, I was rocked that week, as well as the students!
He made the Bible so simple. Spoke in words and terms everybody understood and could relate to. 
He simplified what we have made so complicated.
His agenda is simply to let the Holy Spirit guide him.
On day one, he had just talked about the Bible and God's Kingdom and about an hour in to it he asked if anyone would like to rededicate or commit their lives to Christ. Our students literally, leapt out of their seats to get in line! 
14 people could not wait to know this Jesus!
Our students in line waiting to recommit their lives to Christ!

Our little Kia girl! She was filled with unexplainable JOY - It was awesome!

Praying for our sweet Sarah! 

Praying for our sweet Jessica!

Miss Lucy, our fear conqueror!

Tessa! Knocked out by the Holy Spirit!

So needless to say, after this week our students have been on fire for God! They've moved from lecture phase and retaining knowledge to now being in a place of WANTING to know more. 
Wanting to know why things are the way that they are. 
They are digging deeper in their relationships with Christ.
The spirit of unbelief has been stripped from them and it is beautiful.
There is no more "religion" floating about the room, but full on relationship with Jesus.
The Bible is real and true.
They are able to step out and ask questions because they genuinely are curious!
It's so awesome!

This is my favorite part of staffing - Being able to see the break thru's, see the changes in the students. I literally see the change that happens inside of them as it pours out into the way they act, communicate and interact with other people.
The moment Jesus becomes more than a "good idea" is remarkable.
I don't know about you, but seeing people overcome doubt, lies and strongholds is one of the best things!
This is why I love what I do.
I don't have an income. I pay to disciple students. 
Gave up everything to pursue Christ, and I get so many glorious rewards every single day. 
I literally, couldn't be happier.

The great part also, is that God is working in the staff too!! We aren't just facilitating a program, but we literally are having break thru's, on the floor crying, and walking this journey with the students! We are transparent, showing our weaknesses and being real with them; which is beautiful.
One core value of YWAM is 'do first, then teach'. 
Such a great value to have!
How do people impact you? If your parents say don't drink soda, and then continue to drink it in front of you, what good does that do to get you to understand it's bad for you?! Same goes for us as staff, if we tell our students to have quiet times, step out (especially when it's uncomfortable) and yet we aren't doing it, why would they?!

I, personally, have had too many break thru's to type up. If I shared and explained every one of them, my blog posts would be pages and pages long! 
But God is good. So good.
I have such an understanding now of creation, why we were created, how we are to act, who we were created by and for and so, so much more. This was all very difficult for me to see in previous years. I think it's very common for people to get swept up in stereotypes, religions and worldly views. Also, many people do misrepresent Christ and call themselves Christians. So I understand the doubt, confusion and desire to continue living as normal. 
BUT, if you are wondering what this "Christ following" stuff is all about, I encourage you to ask.
Ask me, ask someone you trust. Open up the Bible and see what God has to say. Start researching things on your own. Go to the library and do some research. I'd encourage you to read any books by Joy Dawson. Start with Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost for His Highest"
I would love to answer any questions you have!
Many of you know me and have witnessed the MANY mistakes I have made over the years, especially since being a Christ follower, but how AWESOME is it that I don't have to live in the shame and guilt!? I literally am forgiven and can live freely, use those mistakes as testimonies for others!
God is so good.
He is so real.
He communicates with us.
He is living and breathing.
And my life has been radically changed.
My life has been ruined for the ordinary.
You may think I'm crazy.
But I know what true love is, and wouldn't walk away from it for the world. 
----------------------------

AFTER Kenny Peavy, we had Danny Lehman come and speak on evangelism! His approach was different than Kenny's! He shared many personal testimonies with us.
He used to be a long hair, beach/surfer/pot head bum living totally for himself, before one day a man came up to Him, told him who Christ was and gave him a tract.
He then took the tract home, put it on his dresser for a few months and then one day really read it and understood the fullness of God's love for him.
From that day forward, he has been on fire, giving his entire life to God!
He shared many powerful testimonies with us, gave us deeper insight into evangelism and took the "scariness" out of it for our students!
Many people hear the world evangelism and have many preconceived idea of what it means.
However, it's not hard!
 It was a very eye opening and great week for our students!
Now, they can't wait to go down town and speak with people!
Which, coming from a quiet school, is HUGE!
God is so good and breaking down their walls! 
I love it!
----------------------------

After evangelism was another round of Corporate Week! 
This week was prolly one of my favorites!
It was led by Brian Brennt and Andy Byrd, two men you should read about!
Andy Byrd is one of the most impacting, influential men I've ever met!
He is absolutely ON FIRE, in LOVE with Jesus!
We go thru this manual called "Salvation Encounter" and literally spend the ENTIRE week in Ohana Court, split off into outreach teams, in circles, on chairs, yelling at the tops of our lungs!
We are walked thru Knowing God, a guide to Gospel Truth. 
Which then leads us into a clean break up, clean house, freedom, getting ready to take the ground back and praying repentance!
After that, we walk our students through shame, rejection, unforgiveness, anger, fear, "I don't care", and body image struggles! We scream with them, repent of these problems, break off the strongholds and walk out feeling like a million pounds has been lifted off our shoulders!!
We then walk them thru "The Christian Birthright Card", God's love and forgiveness and walking in the opposite spirit.

This week is powerful and intense. On about the third day we had worship at the end of lecture and I was SO filled with joy and the holy spirit I was just jumping around, spinning in circles, smiling from ear to ear! I could not get enough of God's goodness, mercy, freedom, forgiveness and EVERYTHING else that He is!
My worship lifestyle changed that day.
The fear of man was broken off and the truth of the King was revealed.
I wish everyone could experience this week, haha. 
So much crap we carry around and live with for YEARS.
I love, love, love the simplicity of God.

Aside from my personal break thru's, our students are experiencing them as well!! 
I'm so stoked for outreach and how amazing our students are going to do! 
They are in the best places they've ever been with God and really understanding what it means to be a Christ follower and I am SO excited to lead them to Palau!

-Worship in corporate week-


For now my friends, be blessed and take care!!
xoxo






Saturday, March 9, 2013

Blessings & Birthday

Aloha Friends!
Wow so much has happened in my life since my last post! 
Where to begin...

I successfully completed 5 weeks of sailing class! 
The first two weekends I suffered from sea sickness, but by the third weekend I was fine! Praise God, being in YWAM Ships and having seasickness would be a horrible combination!
I don't think that I can ever eat ginger again tho. 
Ginger is supposed to help against seasickness, however, the second weekend I threw up a ginger juice drink, and now cannot even smell or talk about ginger without wanting to barf. It's horrible.
One random thing that helped seasickness: duct tape on the belly button!
Weird, eh?
-Mahina Pua-


-Ginger juice and duct tape bellybutton: fail-
-Miss Nico-

While out on the ocean we saw huge pods of dolphins! 
Whales were coming up around us, talk about the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Everyone knows whales are huge, but until you've seen one up close, you don't grasp their power! 
Seeing them move under the water was so, so beautiful! There's a shiny, almost grey color you can see underwater where they are, and then they surface a couple times and dive back under.
Hearing them breathe and the sounds they make on the water is just remarkable.

-Whale-

A friend of mine on campus took a few students and I down to Capt. Cook one morning around 6:00 am to swim with the wild dolphins! It had been a full moon the night before, so the dolphins all come together in this little cove! At least 50 of them where there! 
I LOVE finding great local secrets like this! We took some snorkel gear, got in the water and swam way out to meet them! Another, breath taking, beautiful experience.
We also were able to pick up a hitch hiker on the way and take her to church, that was fun :)

-Judith, Ashley-


-Dolphin spot-

I also celebrated my 25th birthday recently! 
It was so much fun! My dear sweet friend Nico was pretty legit, and gave me a two day celebration since no one knew which day to celebrate on. (I'm a leap year baby, for those wondering). 
I received many small gifts through out those two days (lots of FRUIT and yogurt, praise God!)


-The beautiful flowers Nico scattered on the floor for me!-

My friend MJ asked me if I'd like to stay at a hotel for the weekend with her, so I asked how much and she said FREE! Heck yes, I'm in.
I was assuming it would just be a janky little hotel down in town, and she just wanted to get off campus for the weekend. Boy was I wrong!
Long story short, she met this amazing man hitchhiking one day who loves to bless YWAM'ers! And she has stayed in contact with him and he wanted to bless her and some friends to a FREE weekend at the HILTON! She told me to meet her at the flags at 5:30 Friday, simple enough.
I show up in my baggy jeans and "Do Justice" t-shirt and to our surprise, he sent a limo to pick us up! 
We are standing there and see it pull up and instantly can't help but laugh, like a silly/disbelief/confused laugh. Tim proceeds to load our bags into his limo and take us on our merry way!
-The beginning..-


-Sparkling cider friends- ;)

We enjoyed a laughter filled ride to the hotel. 
He booked two condo suites for us. Seriously!?
We split up into our houses, each with 2 1/2 bathrooms, a full kitchen, living room, dining room, BIG BATH TUBS, NO BUNKBEDS, mattresses that felt like clouds, and a beautiful sliding glass door that over looked the golf course.
Really God, really?
I didn't know how to respond.
What do you do when someone just gives you this for free and receiving gifts is not something you are good at??

-Relaxation.-



-Our place... ya..-


After we settled in for a short while, our friend comes back, picks us up and takes us to this amazing Japanese restaurant.
 I'm riding in the bed of his truck, leaning my head back, gazing at the star filled sky that is outlining his paddle board and I couldn't grasp what was going on. The beauty that was around me, the creation just hanging out before my eyes. Once again, I don't deserve any of this. 
-Amazing women!-
-Singing to me at dinner and AMAZING ice cream!-


Once we arrived at the restaurant, everyone knew our dear friend who was treating us (in fact, everywhere we went with this guy, everyone knew him, it was crazy..)
The head chef comes out and greets our table, many many appetizers were brought to our table 'on the house' and we proceeded to eat the absolute best Japanese food I've ever consumed.
The freshest fish, best vegetables, best sushi ever. Ugh, it was amazing.
Mind you, literally every single thing for this weekend was covered by our friend. 

We then went back to our rooms and relaxed.
Saturday morning he comes back, picks us all up and drove us to the grocery store! He told us to buy what ever we wanted for breakfast, and whatever groceries we wanted for our kitchens for the weekend! Seriously?
MJ and I didn't know how to receive this act of generosity, so we bought english muffins, eggs and bacon and enjoyed breakfast all weekend. 
It was pretty epic.
When you eat porridge every morning, eggs and bacon are divine and cheap :)
-I miss cooking SO much!-


We then go back to our rooms and get blessed yet again! We ran in to some people MJ happened to know from YWAM, who were able to get us into the main pool for free!  It's about $80 to spend the day at this pool... So we spent the day laying out, going down slides, swimming under waterfalls, and relaxing in the hot tub.
Really God!?





We then went back to our rooms and relaxed.
I grabbed my book and headed for the other pool and spent the afternoon reading Bruchko. If you love to read, I totally recommend this book! It's a missionary biography, fast simple read and will radically impact you. 



I then got my run in, ran all around the Hilton and just took in the beauty that was everywhere. 
I'm up to 56 minutes on my runs now by the way, absolutely loving running! Feel great!
On my way back, I was running along the highway running towards the sunset. It was the absolute biggest I've ever seen the sun, and I literally just ran towards it as it set. The most beautiful, natural blessing God has given me. There was just open land full of lava rock and then the palm trees were lined out along the beach and I just saw the sun and Pacific. HA! 
Really God!?

-Birthday runs were the best- :)

That night was truly blessed. My friend MJ is from Germany and our beautiful friend Yein is from South Korea, so we spent the evening chatting it up in the hot tub under the moon.
I love the people I'm surrounded by because we didn't just gossip or talk about meaningless topics, but literally talked about the injustices of this world. The lives in North and South Korea. The lives in Africa. How we can make an impact. Our goals. What it's like to live in Korea and Germany. Talking about geography, history. Such God guided conversations. 
I think that was prolly the best part of the weekend, was the true genuine, deep conversations. How we just prayed together! How many times do you hang out with some friends and end up in deep prayer? I LOVE IT! I love the godly women in my life! I love the true, genuine, legit, women I am around that just love people and want to see love spread everywhere! Where I am in life, is extraordinary. I sometimes feel like I'm dreaming, how did I end up in this life!? A missionary? Ha :) 
Once again, SO happy I'm not running the show, praise you Lord!

The next morning I woke up early, made a pot of a coffee, grabbed my book and blanket and sat outside to watch the sunrise over the golf course and spent some amazing, amazing quiet time with Jesus. I learned a lot, but I'll share that in my next post :)

-Windy windy golf course!-

-Good morning God.-


Then we just hung by the pool until the limo came and brought us back to campus.
Mind you, I spent a weekend for free at the Hilton, was blessed in more ways than I can describe, came back with $20 more in my pocket than I left with, and now have amazing, deep friendships.
Once again, really God!?


-MJ & Yein-
<3


That pretty much sums up my birthday and just a couple fun things I've been blessed with this past month! 
The craziest thing, all of those stories sound epic and expensive and I didn't spend a dime.
God is faithful and wants to bless His children.
I do work very hard here in Kona and relaxing was actually difficult for me!
I planned on doing outreach prep all weekend at the Hilton, but the Lord calmed my spirit and allowed me much needed rest. 
Thanks to all of you that can enjoy this experience with me! 
All I can say is, I don't deserve any of this, however, I keep being obedient to the Lord and continue overcoming obstacles and challenges, but just press into God with everything. And needless to say, my life has changed dramatically from 6 years ago when I left drugs and alcohol to chase God.
Ha, I can't help but laugh at my life.
I love it :)
I hope you all get to a place to of loving every second of your life!
God is worth everything and more.
Much love my friends.
XO


-And these are just flowers I love!-

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Palau

Praise the Lord, I'm going to Palau!

I, along with my friend Max, will be leading a team of 10 students into the wonderful Micronesian Islands.

(This is Max & I after our first sailing class..)


(This is our team!!)

Palau has been on YWAM Ships OC heart for quite a while. 
We tried to have an outreach team go there with my last school, however, the timing wasn't right and they ended up going to Kiribati & Fiji.
(They are returning next weekend from Outreach, so I'll be able to post some stories and experiences with you!!)

We are in the beginning process right now, so I don't have too much information or details!
We will be heading out the end of March/beginning of April and will be gone for 8 weeks.
Most likely flying into Guam and then straight to Palau, but we have to wait and see how things line up :)

I would love to keep you in the loop, so I'll try and teach you as much about Palau as I learn! 

First off, it is located among a chain of islands called Micronesian Islands.
These are all the islands of Palau!

It is broken up into 16 different states; each has a village that the state is named after.
One of my dear friends is actually from Palau! I met him during my DTS in Townsville, so praise the Lord, he is helping me to learn about his home!


Hopefully this map helps give you an idea where Palau is located.


This week we will be diving into the history, culture, lifestyle of Palau and learning as much as we can!

Our outreach is going to be ground breaking and amazing, I'm so stoked!
Please keep my team in your prayers as we begin preparing now for this journey, as well as finishing strong thru our lecture phase!
Definitely need team unity, financial support, direction and knowledge of these amazing people we will be living among for 2 months!

Stay tuned friends... I'm VERY happy to be sharing this with you! :) 
xo








Saturday, February 9, 2013

My Utmost - January 19

This is a little excerpt from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.
This book is my daily devotional.. little kick start for my day.
This one spoke to me heaps a few weeks ago, and I think it's appropriate to share after my last blog.

Vision & Darkness
"When the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and behold, a horror and great darkness fell upon him." -Genesis 15:12

Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in "the shadow of His hand" (Isaiah 49:2). The saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a "darkness" that comes from too much light - that is the time to listen. The story of Abram and Hagar in Genesis 16 is an excellent example of listening to so-called good advice during a time of darkness, rather than waiting for God to send the light. When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God's displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him. (See Isaiah 50:10-11)
Do I trust at all in the flesh? Or have I learned to go beyond all confidence in myself and other people of God? Do I trust in books and prayers or others joys in my life? Or have I placed my confidence in God Himself, not in His blessings? "I am Almighty God..." - El-Shaddai, the All-Powerful God (Genesis 17:1) The reason we are all being disciplined is that we will know God is real. As soon as God becomes real to us, people pale by comparison, becoming shadows of reality. Nothing that other saints do or say can ever upset the one who is built on God.

****
--- As I said, I read this a few weeks ago in my devotional which was pretty impacting. It literally brought me joy in my time of darkness. My friend Nico (in the photo) would ask me what's wrong, or how I'm doing, and all I could say was 'something is off, I have no idea what it is, but I KNOW that God is going to teach me something epic'


And it was the weirdest thing. I had such peace at the same time I was having such pain.
 Confusing right? That's the beauty of God. When you can fully trust in Him, even when you have no understanding or idea what is going on, just holdfast and know that something amazing is going to be brought to your mind, it will shape you for life.

I love when bad things happen to me, because I know I will be able to use it as a testimony to bring God glory. 
I just sit patiently, try not to spend my time figuring it out, but trusting God for something crazy.
And I  ALWAYS feel SO different at the end of a "dark" season! 
This feeling of weight is lifted and my eyes feel renewed; it's as if I'm seeing things in a whole new light.

Praise you Abba, thank you for your goodness and faithfulness!
Be blessed friends! :) 
xo

Rock bottom.

This new school has been pretty legit.
Had it's fair share of up's and down's.
We are starting week six on Monday which is INSANE! 
So far we've covered some YWAM Ships OC history, healing of wounded hearts, Father heart of God, YWAM DNA, Bible study and will now be stepping in to culture/missions!
I love sitting thru another lecture phase because there's always something new to learn! 

Last week was great with Jonathan Spainhour! He taught our school how to do inductive Bible studies, as well as giving us a true meaning of what the Bible means to us.
Too often we get caught up in "religion" and "rules" and don't really understand what tools we have in front of us! That the men and women in the Bible were real people, these are real stories and encounters that have been passed on from generation, to generation, to generation.. 
I love seeing when something becomes "real" to the students and not just something they've been taught. YWAM is an international/interdenominational organization, so we have heaps of different beliefs filtering thru, with Jesus as the one core truth. It's beautiful to see peoples relationships develop and unfold, especially from the perspective of simply loving one another and doing what the Bible says. If you really sit down, read the words, build a personal understanding of the message being portrayed, placing yourself in that setting, feeling as the people felt, understanding the needs/culture/systems, it becomes alive and understandable. It's not about "oh, I read the Bible for 30 minutes today, I'm good to go!" - It's not about checking something off of a list, but truly grasp the message being taught and I promise you it will transform your life from the inside out.
It's so simple and yet, people have such skewed views, which is totally understandable! 
I am privileged tho to be doing what I love, building amazing deep friendships and being surrounded by such loving and supportive staff to walk this journey with!  

I'm currently reading a book by C.S. Lewis called "Screwtape Letters", have you ever heard of it?
 A friend introduced me to it years ago (and the best advice she gave me was to read it when I was in a solid place with Christ, not easily wavered - And thank God she told me that because it would of confused the heck out of me had I read it any sooner!) 
The story is written in "letters" from a senior demon (Screwtape) who writes to his nephew (Wormwood). Screwtape is mentoring Wormwood in his responsibility for securing damnation of a British man known only as "the Patient". C.S. Lewis provides a series of lessons in the importance of taking a deliberate role in living out Christian faith by portraying a typical human life, with all its temptations and failings, as seen from devil's viewpoints. In the body of the thirty-one letters, Screwtape gives Wormwood detailed advice on various methods of undermining faith and promoting sin in the Patient, interspersed with observations on human nature and Christian doctrine. To them individual benefit and greed are seen as the greatest good and neither demon is capable of comprehending God's love for man or for acknowledging true human virtue when he sees it. Their morals are basically opposite of most any Christ-followers and is super interesting/slightly confusing to read! 
Had I read this a few years ago, I don't believe I would have been in a place to receive understanding, however, today it speaks so clearly! It's insane all the little things the devil does to steal, kill and destroy so much in our daily lives! It's re-opened my eyes to the intricate little schemes the enemy tries to bombard us with. 
Our thoughts. 
Those little distractions, "exceptions", the negative way we view ourselves or others; basically any weakness we have the enemy is already fully aware of and loves waiting for the opportunity to throw something at you and "show you how weak you are"! When in fact, the Lord God Almighty is already fighting for you! His Son has already won the war! We now have the Holy Spirit, we have the Bible, we have relationship with our Lord and know what he desires! 
It's so simple for me to type all of that, but it's a completely different thing when it actually hits you and you truly grasp the fullness and truth of those words.
I love each and every one of you deeply, and would never want to "throw Christianity at you", but it truly is my prayer that you would find peace, understanding, happiness, eternal joy and so so much more. Christ really is the way, the truth and the life.
Yes, I still have my ups and downs! Lord knows it, but it's like a whole 'nother ball game.
I've slipped and had a few too many drinks in my new walk.
I've slipped and made some mistakes I had made in the past prior to my life with Christ.
I still have a temper.
I still get irritated and annoyed.
Sometimes, my roommate won't stop rolling around on the bunk above me and it's 2am and I want to scream at her!
BUT...
The enemy would love nothing more than for me to lash out, cause division/tension, say something hurtful, do something I'll regret, feed me lies to make me think I'll never be good enough, "God would never love me because I've messed up one too many times", and so forth.
Friends, this is bull.
We have choices.
We have options.
Our God isn't a controlling God.
He is loving and just.
He wants nothing but the best for YOU.. and for your neighbor.
It's beautiful how it works out, really. 

I have been in a rut these past 5 weeks. 
I have been down about my image, my relationship to the new students, felt disconnected from absolutely everybody (on this campus, in our school, friends/family back home, my students currently on outreach), just in a legit rut. 
I wasn't happy. 
Basically, the enemy was winning, I knew it and I didn't have the strength to fight it.
I felt unloved, unseen, friendless and useless.
(So it's kind of ironic Screwtape Letters fell in my lap again because it was a pretty sweet time to read it.. haha)
If you were to ask my friends I am staffing with, they would definitely tell you something has been off.
Little by little I was drifting away.. hating every moment of it because I KNEW the action I needed to take.. but was too prideful and stubborn to take it. 
I usually love praying and interceding! However, at our morning meetings I would literally come in, not smile, avoid eye contact, not utter a word the entire time and be so thankful when it was over.
We would have lectures, if I had to talk to anyone, I was irritated. 
Lunch, needed my space.
Afternoon, needed my space.
Dinner, needed my space.
Evening activities, show up just for the sake of showing up and interact only if I had to.
And the more I let this ugliness rule me, the more I wanted to hide and not be around anyone.
I HATE that so many people, myself included, buy in to this CRAP!
If you are someone isolating yourself, DON'T.
I woke up Thursday morning to this wonderful song in my head...


("Ding-Dong the witch is dead.." from Wizard of Oz)

I literally felt that if I were not around, our students would be happier. Staff would be happier. Nobody would miss me or even notice. 
I felt that I was the witch that everyone wanted gone.
It wasn't that I wanted to go home, at that point, nowhere in the world would make me happy because the war is not of this world. 
The battle lies much deeper; into the unseen. (But that's a whole 'nother blog) :)

HALLELUJAH! There was a breaking point tho!
Friday we were in class, lecture ended a little early and we were going to move into a time of openness; discussing where everyone was at, how their experience is thus far, etc.
The beautiful Holy Spirit tho, took us in a different direction, which was absolutely amazing.
I felt this was the time to bare my feelings, the Holy Spirit was nudging me to speak and I could NOT disobey anymore. 
I haven't cried in a long time, and before I even opened my mouth I was crying. I told them how I felt, how the Wizard of Oz song had been eating away at me and you know what they did?
 They didn't laugh. They didn't judge me. They spoke words of life and encouragement, embraced me. 
They were not at all feeling the way about me  I had "thought" they were.
I had built so much up in my mind and was being too stubborn to filter it out and let the Lord have it, that in my own strength I was down to nothing.
What do I love about being down to nothing?
Well, it's like my student posted on Facebook recently.. "Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so you can discover He is the rock at the bottom."

By my choice to not speak up, tell my friends how I was feeling, isolating myself, seeing the negative in everybody and everything I was allowing the enemy control over my mind!
 And by enemy, I mean satan.
It's so true that the "thief" comes to steal, kill and destroy. 

Friends, I share this with you because God gets all the glory. 
He deserves it.
I can smile and laugh with my friends again.
I can walk in to a room and not feel alone.
I can enjoy the other staff.
I can stop pushing people away.
I can trust.
I am loved. Maybe not by you, but by an unchanging Father who accepts me in any mood, any shape, any way. 

I'm sorry if anyone in the past or recently has hurt you and added to the walls you've been building up. It's so easy, in the moment, to push people away, to find excuses, to dwell on everything they are doing wrong.. But friend, I tell you that one day it WILL catch up to you.
God does not leave or forsake you. He will not leave you to fight the battle alone.
Speak things out in the name of Jesus. 
It's not just a saying "get something off of your chest" but you truly make the enemy flee.
Your words are heavy.
If a negative word is so easy to leave your lips and do such damage.. How much better and more ready do you think your lips are to speak out love, to build one another up? 
Do you want to be a person to bring change to the world?
Well, this is one thing you can do whether you are financially sound or not - Speak in Love.
You never know what lie the enemy is feeding to your friends, family, the man you walk by on the street.. 
Tell people what they need to hear. 
There needs to be more love.
The world just needs it.
Say it.
Be it.
Do it.
<3