Rock bottom.

This new school has been pretty legit.

Had it's fair share of up's and down's.

We are starting week six on Monday which is INSANE! 

So far we've covered some YWAM Ships OC history, healing of wounded hearts, Father heart of God, YWAM DNA, Bible study and will now be stepping in to culture/missions!

I love sitting thru another lecture phase because there's always something new to learn! 

Last week was great with Jonathan Spainhour! He taught our school how to do inductive Bible studies, as well as giving us a true meaning of what the Bible means to us.

Too often we get caught up in "religion" and "rules" and don't really understand what tools we have in front of us! That the men and women in the Bible were real people, these are real stories and encounters that have been passed on from generation, to generation, to generation.. 

I love seeing when something becomes "real" to the students and not just something they've been taught. YWAM is an international/interdenominational organization, so we have heaps of different beliefs filtering thru, with Jesus as the one core truth. It's beautiful to see peoples relationships develop and unfold, especially from the perspective of simply loving one another and doing what the Bible says. If you really sit down, read the words, build a personal understanding of the message being portrayed, placing yourself in that setting, feeling as the people felt, understanding the needs/culture/systems, it becomes alive and understandable. It's not about "oh, I read the Bible for 30 minutes today, I'm good to go!" - It's not about checking something off of a list, but truly grasp the message being taught and I promise you it will transform your life from the inside out.

It's so simple and yet, people have such skewed views, which is totally understandable! 

I am privileged tho to be doing what I love, building amazing deep friendships and being surrounded by such loving and supportive staff to walk this journey with!  

I'm currently reading a book by C.S. Lewis called "Screwtape Letters", have you ever heard of it?

 A friend introduced me to it years ago (and the best advice she gave me was to read it when I was in a solid place with Christ, not easily wavered - And thank God she told me that because it would of confused the heck out of me had I read it any sooner!) 

The story is written in "letters" from a senior demon (Screwtape) who writes to his nephew (Wormwood). Screwtape is mentoring Wormwood in his responsibility for securing damnation of a British man known only as "the Patient". C.S. Lewis provides a series of lessons in the importance of taking a deliberate role in living out Christian faith by portraying a typical human life, with all its temptations and failings, as seen from devil's viewpoints. In the body of the thirty-one letters, Screwtape gives Wormwood detailed advice on various methods of undermining faith and promoting sin in the Patient, interspersed with observations on human nature and Christian doctrine. To them individual benefit and greed are seen as the greatest good and neither demon is capable of comprehending God's love for man or for acknowledging true human virtue when he sees it. Their morals are basically opposite of most any Christ-followers and is super interesting/slightly confusing to read! 

Had I read this a few years ago, I don't believe I would have been in a place to receive understanding, however, today it speaks so clearly! It's insane all the little things the devil does to steal, kill and destroy so much in our daily lives! It's re-opened my eyes to the intricate little schemes the enemy tries to bombard us with. 

Our thoughts. 

Those little distractions, "exceptions", the negative way we view ourselves or others; basically any weakness we have the enemy is already fully aware of and loves waiting for the opportunity to throw something at you and "show you how weak you are"! When in fact, the Lord God Almighty is already fighting for you! His Son has already won the war! We now have the Holy Spirit, we have the Bible, we have relationship with our Lord and know what he desires! 

It's so simple for me to type all of that, but it's a completely different thing when it actually hits you and you truly grasp the fullness and truth of those words.

I love each and every one of you deeply, and would never want to "throw Christianity at you", but it truly is my prayer that you would find peace, understanding, happiness, eternal joy and so so much more. Christ really is the way, the truth and the life.

Yes, I still have my ups and downs! Lord knows it, but it's like a whole 'nother ball game.

I've slipped and had a few too many drinks in my new walk.

I've slipped and made some mistakes I had made in the past prior to my life with Christ.

I still have a temper.

I still get irritated and annoyed.

Sometimes, my roommate won't stop rolling around on the bunk above me and it's 2am and I want to scream at her!

BUT...

The enemy would love nothing more than for me to lash out, cause division/tension, say something hurtful, do something I'll regret, feed me lies to make me think I'll never be good enough, "God would never love me because I've messed up one too many times", and so forth.

Friends, this is bull.

We have choices.

We have options.

Our God isn't a controlling God.

He is loving and just.

He wants nothing but the best for YOU.. and for your neighbor.

It's beautiful how it works out, really. 

I have been in a rut these past 5 weeks. 

I have been down about my image, my relationship to the new students, felt disconnected from absolutely everybody (on this campus, in our school, friends/family back home, my students currently on outreach), just in a legit rut. 

I wasn't happy. 

Basically, the enemy was winning, I knew it and I didn't have the strength to fight it.

I felt unloved, unseen, friendless and useless.

(So it's kind of ironic Screwtape Letters fell in my lap again because it was a pretty sweet time to read it.. haha)

If you were to ask my friends I am staffing with, they would definitely tell you something has been off.

Little by little I was drifting away.. hating every moment of it because I KNEW the action I needed to take.. but was too prideful and stubborn to take it. 

I usually love praying and interceding! However, at our morning meetings I would literally come in, not smile, avoid eye contact, not utter a word the entire time and be so thankful when it was over.

We would have lectures, if I had to talk to anyone, I was irritated. 

Lunch, needed my space.

Afternoon, needed my space.

Dinner, needed my space.

Evening activities, show up just for the sake of showing up and interact only if I had to.

And the more I let this ugliness rule me, the more I wanted to hide and not be around anyone.

I HATE that so many people, myself included, buy in to this CRAP!

If you are someone isolating yourself, DON'T.

I woke up Thursday morning to this wonderful song in my head...

("Ding-Dong the witch is dead.." from Wizard of Oz)

I literally felt that if I were not around, our students would be happier. Staff would be happier. Nobody would miss me or even notice. 

I felt that I was the witch that everyone wanted gone.

It wasn't that I wanted to go home, at that point, nowhere in the world would make me happy because the war is not of this world. 

The battle lies much deeper; into the unseen. (But that's a whole 'nother blog) :)

HALLELUJAH! There was a breaking point tho!

Friday we were in class, lecture ended a little early and we were going to move into a time of openness; discussing where everyone was at, how their experience is thus far, etc.

The beautiful Holy Spirit tho, took us in a different direction, which was absolutely amazing.

I felt this was the time to bare my feelings, the Holy Spirit was nudging me to speak and I could NOT disobey anymore. 

I haven't cried in a long time, and before I even opened my mouth I was crying. I told them how I felt, how the Wizard of Oz song had been eating away at me and you know what they did?

 They didn't laugh. They didn't judge me. They spoke words of life and encouragement, embraced me. 

They were not at all feeling the way about me  I had "thought" they were.

I had built so much up in my mind and was being too stubborn to filter it out and let the Lord have it, that in my own strength I was down to nothing.

What do I love about being down to nothing?

Well, it's like my student posted on Facebook recently.. "Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so you can discover He is the rock at the bottom."

By my choice to not speak up, tell my friends how I was feeling, isolating myself, seeing the negative in everybody and everything I was allowing the enemy control over my mind!

 And by enemy, I mean satan.

It's so true that the "thief" comes to steal, kill and destroy. 

Friends, I share this with you because God gets all the glory. 

He deserves it.

I can smile and laugh with my friends again.

I can walk in to a room and not feel alone.

I can enjoy the other staff.

I can stop pushing people away.

I can trust.

I am loved. Maybe not by you, but by an unchanging Father who accepts me in any mood, any shape, any way. 

I'm sorry if anyone in the past or recently has hurt you and added to the walls you've been building up. It's so easy, in the moment, to push people away, to find excuses, to dwell on everything they are doing wrong.. But friend, I tell you that one day it WILL catch up to you.

God does not leave or forsake you. He will not leave you to fight the battle alone.

Speak things out in the name of Jesus. 

It's not just a saying "get something off of your chest" but you truly make the enemy flee.

Your words are heavy.

If a negative word is so easy to leave your lips and do such damage.. How much better and more ready do you think your lips are to speak out love, to build one another up? 

Do you want to be a person to bring change to the world?

Well, this is one thing you can do whether you are financially sound or not - Speak in Love.

You never know what lie the enemy is feeding to your friends, family, the man you walk by on the street.. 

Tell people what they need to hear. 

There needs to be more love.

The world just needs it.

Say it.

Be it.

Do it.

<3